Many people lean on biblical stories to draw inspiration and guidance. However, the bible also features strange accounts that are not a stretch from making excellent Florida man headlines.
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What Is a “Florida Man Story?”
A Florida Man story is an internet trend where you type your birthday into the site’s search bar — month, date — along with the words “FLORIDA MAN.” Whatever random headline comes up, you share online.
One hilarious description of how this account would sell is, “Disoriented Florida man found on the beach, claims to have spent the last three days in the stomach of a large fish.”
1 Samuel 18:25
“Florida governor tells Florida man to bring him the foreskins of 100 Californians in exchange for his daughter’s hand in marriage,” jokes a poster. In truth, Saul did ask David to do this as dowry for his daughter Michal, although he just wanted David to fail. As fate would have it, David returned with 200 Philistine’s foreskins.
We can’t forget the story of Samson, the “Florida man who refuses to get a haircut, claiming it gives him strength.”
His actions would also make interesting headlines: “Florida man rips lion in half, later eats honey from the rotten corpse of a lion,” or “Florida man makes a bet with groomsmen for 30 shirts if they answer correctly, fiancé spoils it, and Florida man kills 30 other men for their shirts.”
Still on Samson, doesn’t it fit as a Florida man story when a man can kill a thousand men with the jawbone of a donkey? The verse, in part, says, “With a donkey’s jawbone, I have made donkeys of them.” Well, better not annoy this guy.
1 Kings 3:16-28
Wouldn’t “Florida man threatens to cut baby in half during custody battle” make an excellent news headline? This is the story of King Solomon and two prostitutes who fought over a child. Fortunately, he did identify the birth mother.
So Daniel is thrown into a lion’s den for a whole night and leaves unscathed? It pretty much sounds like a Florida man story to some. And the same king who ordered this judgment fasts and refuses to sleep, hoping for Daniel’s safety. Weird, right?
“Florida man trades entire inheritance to his brother in exchange for some baked beans. Florida man dresses up as a goat to prank blind father,” summarizes a poster on Jacob’s plot on his brother Esau and his father, Jacob.
Next is the story of Noah and his ark: “Florida man builds a giant boat in his backyard because ‘the voice told him to.’” Or, “Florida man hoards animals on homemade boat before major hurricane, reappears 40 days later, says he is on a mission from God.”
Can you envision this headline, too? “Florida man paints door with sheep’s blood, said it was to protect his family.” “Three days later, he drags his family through a river running from the cops. Not heard from for 40 years.”
1 Samuel 17:50-53
These headlines perfectly suit the story of David and Goliath: “Florida man kills pro-fighter with a rock” and “Florida man bullies the wrong smaller person, regrets it with a rock to the head.”
1 Samuel 21
The tale of David faking madness in the presence of King Achish to save his life also qualifies as a Florida man story.
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